


Aftercare

by righteousbros



Series: Tattoo Shop 'Verse [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Bottom Jensen, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nipple Piercings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2017-12-30 04:30:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1014102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/righteousbros/pseuds/righteousbros
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Timestamp for Under My Skin (takes place roughly six months later)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

“What did you just say?!”

Jensen freezes and stares down at Jared who has a confused puppy expression on his face.  It would be adorable except that they are – were, in the middle of some pretty great sex when he decided to blurt out the stupidest thing that Jensen’s ever heard. 

Jared brushes a few strands of sweat-damp hair back off of his forehead, his breath slightly labored and his cheeks flushed pink.  “Um, I said ‘Move in with me’?”  He rests his hands on Jensen’s thighs which are currently straddling his hips.  “What’s the matter?”

“What’s the matter?” Jensen parroted back, incredulously.  “I’ve got your dick up my ass!  Right now.  Up my ass.  And you think that’s a good time to ask me to move in with you?”

Jared looks up at him, nervous now.  “No?” he says hesitantly.

“No.”  Jensen pulls off of him, disregarding Jared’s squawk of protest and stalks in to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

He turns the shower on and gets in, letting the warm water pour over him and drown everything out except for his own voice inside his head.  _Bad idea.  Spectacularly bad idea.  This is way too soon.  What the fuck was Jared thinking?_

“Jen?”  Jared’s voice is muffled by the door and the water but Jensen can hear the anxiety in it anyway.  “When you said “No” did you mean “No, not a good time to ask” – which clearly I see now that it’s not – or did you mean “No” like…no?”

“Can we not talk about this right now?” Jensen shouts.  He waits a few moments and when there’s nothing but silence from the other side of the door he picks up a bar of soap and mechanically washes the smell of sex and Jared off of his skin.  His erection has flagged now and he does his best to clean himself off without waking it up again.  Finishing what they had started is decidedly off the table for this morning and he’s not even in the mood to jerk off - which for him is saying something.

When he’s done, he dries off and walks back into the bedroom with a towel knotted around his waist.  Jared is sitting on the edge of the bed in his underwear waiting for him with big sad eyes like he’s expecting Jensen to snarl and snap at him.  It makes Jensen feel guilty and then annoyed that he’s feeling guilty.  It’s not even 8 am for Christ’s sake!  All he wanted was morning sex and now he’s found himself in the middle of a conversation that’s like a bomb he doesn’t know how to deactivate.

“I’m sorry,” Jared says, holding his hands up wide in a gesture of truce.  “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.  I just got carried away in the moment, I guess.”

Jensen rummages around a pile of laundry on the floor and fishes out his own slightly rumpled clothes from the night before.  “You really need to clean up around here,” he comments, pulling on his pants.  Yes - Ignore the problem.  It’s his go-to solution.  Cause that usually works out so well.

Jared reaches out and grabs his wrist before he can pull his shirt over his head.  “Can we at least talk about this?” 

The plea in his voice breaks through Jensen’s defenses.  His shoulders sag as the fight he’s been building up to in his mind evaporates, leaving him drained.  Maybe he had overreacted.  “Don’t worry about it,” he says as he shakes loose from Jared’s grip and continues getting dressed.  “People say all kinds of shit during sex.  I was with this girl once who-“

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Hold on,” Jared says, cutting him off.  “I meant what I said even if it was the wrong time to bring it up.  I want you to move in with me.  Or if you really want I’ll sell this place and we’ll find something together.  Whatever you want.”

Fuck.  He really must be serious if he’s offering to sell the condo, Jensen thinks to himself.  He’s got to figure out a way to let Jared down easy about this but right then he just wants out of there so he can get some space to think.

Jensen’s first instinct whenever Jared’s upset about something is to soothe so he leads with that.  He moves to stand in between Jared’s knees and cups his face in his hands.  He leans down to plant a short kiss on Jared’s lips.  “I’m sorry, Jay.  You know I love you, right?” 

“I know,” he says begrudgingly.  Jared’s face is the picture of disappointment, like he can already tell where this is going.

“I just really can’t process this right now.”  Jensen straightens and turns away from him to grab his combat boots, pulling them on without bothering to lace them all the way.  “I haven’t even had my coffee yet.”  He smiles at Jared, trying to lighten the mood.  “Come on, you know I’m useless without my caffeine fix.  Let’s table this whole thing until later when we’re both thinking a little more clearly.  Okay?”

“Okay,” Jared replies flatly.  He lays back on the bed and folds his arms behind his head, staring up at the ceiling rather than look at Jensen. 

It freaks Jensen out a little because Jared is usually the more open one out of the two of them.  Ever since their longterm friendship turned into a lot more not six months ago, Jared been walking around with his heart on his sleeve, all mushy and romantic.  So much so that it sometimes makes Jensen a little embarrassed - even though secretly he loves it.  Seeing Jared shutdown and close himself off like this is just plain wrong and that feeling settles like a weight in Jensen’s chest.  It makes him restless and even more anxious to leave. 

“Okay,” he parrots back feeling like an idiot.  He picks up his cell from the nightstand and shoving it in his pocket.  “I’m going to go home and get ready for work.  I’ll see you there.”

He makes a conscious effort to move at a casual speed when he walks out of Jared’s bedroom even though his legs seem to want to run.  He’s out the door and down the stairs before he realizes that Jared didn’t even bother to respond.

~~~

The tattoo shop is busier than ever that day which suits Jensen just fine because it keeps him active and not thinking about his spat with Jared.

 After they’d announced the news of the management change when Jared made him co-owner, they’d thrown a grand re-opening bash to introduce their new shop name, Skin Deep.  Chris and Steve’s band, The Winchesters, had played the event and it had turned into a big block party with the other local businesses in their neighborhood coming out to support them.  The re-opening had been a hit and the buzz around Austin about the shop had skyrocketed. 

Jensen had taken on a lot more responsibility at work lately.  As shop manager he’d already been in charge of most of the day to day duties but now he was also in on all of the decision-making as well.  Jared had insisted that Jensen becoming a co-owner wasn’t going to be a change in title only. 

Jensen hadn’t had any qualms about taking over the bookkeeping side of things.  In fact he had insisted upon it.  Jared was the talent and the main attraction that drew serious tattoo collectors to Skin Deep who appreciated his style and his skill.  Jensen knew that, and he felt like since he wasn’t an artist the least he could do would be to take the more tedious housekeeping stuff off of Jared’s plate so he could focus on his craft.  That part felt natural to Jensen.  His impulse had always been and always would be to take care of Jared and what he needed. 

The other stuff had been a bigger adjustment for him.  Jared wanted him to feel like they were equal partners and he’d made it clear that Jensen should feel free to start putting his own stamp on the place in more obvious ways. 

At first Jensen had been hesitant about it.  No matter what Jared said, Jensen knew the shop would always be his baby.  But eventually Jared had pushed and prodded until Jensen admitted that - well yeah, maybe they could use a new couch for the waiting area, and the kitchenette in the back could use some upgrading.  Maybe a new coat of paint.  Jensen had insisted that he pay for the changes though.  He should share some of the financial burden of the business if they were supposed to be equal in it, shouldn’t he?  Jared had just smiled and let him.

Even though this whole co-owner thing had been Jared’s idea, Jensen was starting to relax into it.  He had been anxious as hell about making such a big change right when their personal relationship was already shifting into something much deeper.  He wasn’t a fan of change to begin with so all the upheaval he and Jared had experienced in their lives over the past few months hadn’t been easy for him.  The thing that kept him from setting his hair on fire was Jared’s constant reassurance and support. 

The crew at the shop had been great about everything and no one had given him a hard time about his promotion.  They were all genuinely happy for him and for Jared, which had made things a lot easier as well.  Chad had teased him about “sleeping his way to the top” but that was Chad.  If he hadn’t been his usual pain-in-the-ass self then Jensen really would have been concerned. 

With everything that Jensen had going on at the moment, he found it kind of ridiculous that currently the biggest issue he had to deal with that day, aside from Jared’s terrible sense of timing, wasn’t actually shop-related at all. 

Danneel’s man-toy of the month had broken up with her.

All that morning and into the afternoon she’d been teary-eyed and snapping at everyone.  He loved her to death but it was really getting on his nerves.  As her friend, it was downright disturbing for him to see her so torn up over some guy when she was probably the toughest chick he knew.  She never usually let things like this get to her.  She was always confident and breezy-cool about her relationships with men. 

By the fifth time that Danneel goes out into the back parking lot with her cell in hand to have a shouting match with whatever poor bastard is on the other end of the line, Jensen decides to take her aside and figure out what the hell is going on with her.

After she’s done finishing up with her most recent client and yet another teenager walks out of the shop with a metal rod through some part of their anatomy, Jensen plants himself in the doorway of her piercing room before she can slam it again.

“Dani, can I talk to you a second?”

Danneel shoots him a glare as she goes about disinfecting her bench and disposing of her needle sharps in the bio-hazard container.  “I’m really not in the mood today, Jensen.  In case you hadn’t noticed.”

Jensen bites his tongue and reminds himself to be patient with her because she’s obviously hurting.  He walks in and pulls the door most of the way closed behind him, leaving it open a crack in case a customer needs him. 

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” he tells her.  “So has everyone in a 50-mile radius.”  He makes what Jared calls his ‘aren’t I adorable?’ face at her because he knows she’s helpless against it.  “I want to help if you wanna to let me.”

She’s quiet for a few seconds but then her bottom lip trembles and Jensen knows that he’s got her. 

She yanks off her medical gloves and throws them away, then walks right up to him and hugs him around his middle like a she’s a little girl in need of comfort instead of the badass woman he knows.  It takes him off guard for a moment but then he’s hugging her back.

“Derek cheated on me!” she sobs into the front of his t-shirt.  “He hooked up with some bar skank behind my back.  I found out from a friend of mine so I called him out on it.  Then had the nerve to break up with me!  Where the fuck does he get off?”

Jensen is instantly so pissed off at this Derek guy on her behalf that he doesn’t know what to do with himself.  “I’ll hold him down while you give him a Prince Albert.  With a fishhook.”

Dani gives a watery laugh and lets him go to wipe her eyes.  “I’m not looking to go to jail for assault anytime soon but thanks for the offer.”

“I don’t understand something.” Jensen says.  “If he cheated on you, why do you care if he broke it off?  Were you really planning on sticking around after something like that and trying to work it out with the guy?”

“Of course not!” Dani plants her hand on her hip and looks more than a little outraged at the suggestion. “I was going to rip him a new asshole and kick him to the curb.”

Jensen stares at her in confusion.  “So, then why-?“

“Because I’m the injured party here for fuck’s sake!” she shouts, cutting him off.  She whirls away from him, throwing up her hands in exasperation.  “I should’ve been the one to break up with his grimy ass!  It’s about the principle of the thing, goddamn it.”

Jensen isn’t fooled for a minute.  She wouldn’t be this upset if that was the whole story.  “You guys haven’t been dating all that long.  What has it been, like 2 months?  Come on.  You never let yourself get this torn up over some dude.  What’s really going on with you?”

Dani seems to deflate a little as the fight goes out of her.  She shrugs half-heartedly and then hops up to sit on the countertop of her storage cabinets that run the length of one wall.  “You’re right.  I don’t give a shit about Dumbass Derek.  This crap with him was just the last straw.”  She cards a hand through her long auburn hair in frustration.  “I’m just so done, Jen, I swear to god.  I’m so tired of dating assholes.  It’s like they see me coming and they think ‘ aw she looks like a cool chick, she’s just like one of the guys’ and then they think that they can get away with treating me like a fuck-buddy instead of a real girlfriend.”  Dani slams her palm down on the countertop angrily, working herself back up again.  “Well, fuck that!  I’m not going to let that happen ever again.  I’m swearing off men and relationships entirely until I find a guy who isn’t afraid to put a little effort in.”

“Is everything okay in here?”

Jensen turns and sees Jared poking his head around the door, looking from one of them to the other with concern on his face.   

Jensen gives him a little half-smile to reassure him.  “We’re fine.  Did you need me for something?”

Jared doesn’t look all that convinced.  His eyes keep darting over to Danneel whose face is still splotchy from crying.  “No.  Not really.  It can wait, I guess.”

“Okay, I’ll be out in a minute,” Jensen tells him. 

Jared nods and disappears from the doorway, shutting it closed as he goes. 

“See!  That’s what I’m talking about.  I want that.”  Dani pouts.

“(A) He’s taken.  (B) He’s gay and you don’t have a dick so that pretty much disqualifies you from the running.  And (C) he's most definitely taken,” Jensen informs her jokingly. 

“Not Jared specifically, wise-ass.”  Danneel rolls her eyes at him.  “Someone who will look at me like the way he looks at you.  I see the way you guys are together.  That much cute should be illegal.”  She wipes her eyes one last time, deftly fixing her smudged mascara.  “Although if he ever does switch teams you better believe it is game-fucking-on,” she adds, letting a coy smile spread across her face.

Jensen’s relieved to see her coming back to her usual self a little so he just shakes his head affectionately at her and doesn’t rise to the bait. “You’ll find somebody, Dani.  I wouldn’t worry about it.  You’re awesome.  Any guy would be lucky to have you.”

Danneel smiles at him, a real one this time without her typical façade of sass.  “Thanks, sweetie.”

~~~

When Jensen’s done calming Dani down he searches out Jared and finds him setting up the tattoo bench in his office for his next client.  He uses it mostly for those appointments that require a little privacy like the one he’s got coming in and this one definitely qualifies. 

Jensen couldn’t believe it when he’d spoken to the girl on the phone to book her appointment, but for some reason she thought it’d be a good idea to get an orchid tattooed right on her vagina like it was part of the flower.  He’d thought he’d just about heard it all when it came to crazy tattoos but this one might just take the gold medal.

Jensen stands by and watches Jared go through the familiar ritual for a minute in silence before he speaks up.  He can tell Jared knows that he’s there but it’s like Jared is waiting for him to start first. “You should’ve let me do that.  It’s my job,” Jensen scolds him.

“It’s okay,” Jared shrugs as he sets up the ink caps of color that he wants to use.  “I don’t mind.”  He pauses what he’s doing for a moment.  “Is everything okay with Dani?”

“Oh, yeah.  She’ll be fine,” Jensen says.  “Guy trouble.”

Jared’s mouth thins in a not-quite frown.  “Lot of that going around today, I guess.”

Okay.  So he’s still pretty damn sore about getting the brush off this morning, Jensen thinks to himself as he assesses the stubborn set of Jared’s jaw.  Time for some damage control.  “Look Jay, I’m really happy with things the way they are right now.  Aren’t you?”

“Yeah, of course I am.”

“Great!” Jensen says, trying to sound upbeat.  “So then why should we rock the boat? 

Jared scowls at him.  “It’s not rocking the boat.  It’s taking a good thing to the next natural level.  Don’t you want that?”

“No,” Jensen blurts out before he can stop himself.

Jared’s face falls.  He looks so hurt. 

It makes the bottom of Jensen’s stomach drop.  He scrambles to fix it.  “I mean, yes!  Eventually, I do.  It’s just too soon to be…leveling up.  Christ, we’ve only been together for six months!”

Jared rears his head back in disbelief.  He stares at Jensen like he’s lost his mind.  “It hasn’t been six months!  It’s been almost _seven years_ and six months.  Exactly how much more time do you need?”

Jensen sputters, trying to come up with the right thing to say to explain himself.  “Things are different now.  We were friends for seven years but the dating each other thing is still pretty new.  I think it’s too soon.” 

Its one thing to know someone as a friend but it’s another thing entirely when you start dating them and they have to see all the ugly stuff about you that you can normally hide.  Jensen just wants more time with Jared in the happy-go-lucky honeymoon stage that they’re in before Jared sees all the crap that he’s got going on.

“Anyway,” Jensen adds.  “We’re already running a business together, and when we’re not working we’re usually together anyway at either your place or mine.  I mean, isn’t that enough?”

“No,” Jared says without missing a beat.  “I’m never going to get enough of you.  Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

Jensen’s mouth moves but he can’t seem to get words out.  He can see how adamant Jared is and it’s kind of terrifying.

Before he can respond there’s a knock at Jared’s door.  They both look over to see Misha standing there with a young blonde woman waiting behind him just over his shoulder.  “Gentlemen,” Misha says cautiously.  “You’ve got a client here.  Are we interrupting?"

Jensen watches as Jared plasters a fake smile on his face.  His eyes still look a little too hard as they dart to Jensen and he’s not fooling anyone but the girl.  “No, we’re all done here.  Right, Jen?”

“Ah, yeah,” Jensen mutters.  “I’ll just get out of y’all’s way.”  He follows Misha out feeling like he’s royally screwing things up even though all he wants is to protect what he and Jared waited so long to have. 

Behind him he can hear Jared slipping into his best ‘customer service’ voice as he closes the door behind them and gets the appointment underway.

“So Jessica, what made you decide to go with an orchid?”

~~~

An hour or so later, after an epic amount of muffled screaming and cursing coming from behind the office door, Jared and the girl emerge both looking pale and shaky.  Her two girlfriends who have been waiting for her grab her by her elbows and help her waddle carefully and stiff-leggedly out of the shop.

The second the door closes behind them everyone stops what they’re doing and looks right at Jared.  They’re professionals and they’ve all had to give some odd tattoos somewhere along the way but this is just too good to let go without busting Jared’s balls a little. 

Chad predictably fires the first shot.  “What’s goin’ on, man?  How’d it go with Flower Box?”

Jared sinks into the nearest chair looking exhausted. 

Jensen walks over and hands him a cup of green tea that he’d made for him, anticipating Jared’s reaction as soon as he heard the screaming start.  He knows that even after all these years Jared’s such a softie that he still has a tough time handling the really bad screamers.  “Jay?  Here you go.”

Jared takes it from him on autopilot, and then looks up at him with a dazed expression on his face.  “I don’t know what you see in those things.”  He shakes his head in disbelief.  “Yikes.”

Chris and Chad nearly fall off their stools they’re laughing so hard.

Steve’s shoulders are shaking, but he’s trying to keep it in for the sake of the customer that he’s got in his chair.  Misha smiles in amusement and turns back to his lightbox to finish up the outline he’d been working on.  Thankfully, Danneel is busy in her room with a customer or she’d probably have some choice words to say for all of them.

Jensen struggles to keep his face blank as Jared sips his tea.  “It’s an acquired taste,” he deadpans.  “Like uni.”

Jared nearly spits out his tea looking disgusted.  “That’s a mental association that I definitely didn’t need.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Might never eat sushi again.”

Jensen rubs the back of his shoulders and gives him a comforting pat on the back.  He’s just happy that Jared seems too shell-shocked to remember to be mad at him.  “It’s okay, Jay.  I’ll protect you from the evil lady parts.”

Jared shoots him a bitchface.

Okay…Jensen thinks.  Maybe not.

~~~

It’s the end of the day before Jensen gets a chance to talk to Jared again.  Everyone is packing up their stuff to go home.  Jensen shutters the front door and then heads into the kitchenette where Jared is fixing himself a Cup O' Noodles.  His hair is still back in the pony tail he keeps it in while he’s grinding out a tattoo.  He’s just gotten done with a huge tribal piece on some dude’s back and Jensen guesses that he forgot to eat lunch again.  Jensen chooses not to rag on him about it.  He’s in deep enough as it is.  Jared’s not even bothering to look at him as he waits for the microwave to cook his noodles.  The pointed silence between them is uncomfortably tense.

“So…” Jensen says, shoving his hands in his pockets awkwardly.

“So…”  Jared replies, still not looking at him.

Jensen sighs.  He fucking hates this new silent treatment thing of Jared’s.  “Jay-“

“I thought about what you said before,” Jared says interrupting him.  He looks up at Jensen finally and his expression is eerily blank.  It doesn’t belong on Jared’s face.  “Maybe you’re right.”

“Good,” Jensen says cautiously.  He feels like he’s on thin ice and it’s starting to fracture beneath his feet.  He thinks he knows what Jared’s answer will be but he can’t help himself from asking anyway.  He has to know how bad his situation is.  All he wants is for them to go back to normal like they were before Jared opened his big mouth.  “So are you coming to my place tonight or…?”

“No,” Jared tells him.  “I think I’m going to stay home and work on some stuff in my sketchbook.  Spend some quality time with the kids.”  The microwave dings and Jared takes out his soup, brushing past Jensen to dig a spoon out of the drawer.

Jensen’s never been jealous of Harley and Sadie before but he’s starting to feel that way at the moment.  “Oh.  Are you sure?

“Yeah.”  Jared leans against the fridge casually to poke at his noodles like the conversation they’re having is actually as harmless as it sounds.  The things he’s not saying are the things that are really slicing into Jensen’s heart. 

“Besides,” he adds.  “Like you said, we’re with each other 24/7.  It’s probably a good idea to give each other a little more space than we have been.  You know,” he says glancing up to Jensen pointedly.  “Slow things down a bit.”

The ice shatters and Jensen is falling into freezing depths below.  “Is that what you want?” he asks worriedly.

Jared looks back down at his soup and shrugs his shoulders, stirring it around like he’s completely oblivious to the noticeably pained and thin sound in Jensen’s voice.

Jensen just stares at him a moment, willing him to look up and start acting like the Jared he loves.  He’ll even take a shouting match over this stony-faced walled-up version of his boyfriend.  But Jared doesn’t crack, so Jensen’s own pride won’t let him give either.  “Okay.”

“Okay.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”  Jared says and walks right past Jensen into his office.

Jensen just stands there for a second trying to figure out how he managed to get Jared to give him his way and still fuck everything with them up so bad.  He’s still mentally beating himself up about it when Chad, Chris, and Danneel walk through on their way out the back door to their cars.

“Something wrong, sweetie?” Dani asks him, stopping in her tracks as soon as she sees the torn up look on his face.

Jensen looks up at her and then over to the guys who are standing behind her with matching looks of concern on their faces.  Fuck.  He knows things must be bad if even Chad’s watching him with pity. 

It pisses him off and makes him feel incredibly self-destructive all of a sudden. 

He grins mischievously at them, even though he’s not in the mood to be smiling.  “Anyone up for a drink?

What Jensen’s in the mood for is to get well and truly shit-faced.


	2. Chapter 2

After some deliberation, it was decided that it was cheaper and easier to just raid Danneel’s liquor cabinet rather than go to a bar.  Plus she promised to feed them which really sealed the deal. 

The four of them were sitting around her livingroom picking her stash of junk food clean and drinking their way through her rather eclectic stock of booze.  Danneel had spent most of the night cuddled up on the couch with a bottle of peach schnapps while Chad lectured them extensively about the virtues of Absolut Vodka over Smirnoff from where he lay on his back in front of the coffee table.  Jensen had never heard him talking about anything with such intelligence and authority before – not even sex.  It was pretty fucking weird.  Kane occupied the other end of the couch plucking away at his guitar in between pulls from a bottle of Hornitos Tequila and humming out fragments of tunes.  The man had a tolerance for the stuff that’s practically legendary.  As for Jensen, he’d had a couple shots of some shit that tasted like Red Hots candies and then decided to settle back with his old buddy Jack Daniels. 

Currently lounging in Danneel’s papasan chair, loose-limbed and floating in a pleasant state just on the near side of hammered, Jensen is feeling no pain and so far gravity is agreeing with him.  No telling how standing up would go though.  Not that he’s all that sure he could get out of Dani’s weird-ass chair anyhow without embarrassing himself.  Better to just stay put.

Dani emerges from her bedroom, having changed into a pair of black yoga pants and an oversized heather grey t-shirt that is falling off of one shoulder.  Her hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun and her cheeks are rosy pink, washed clean of makeup.   She looks like she’s finally cutting loose a little bit after the shitty day she’d had.

Jensen catches her wrist as she walks past him.  “Feeling better now?”

She smiles and ruffles his hair affectionately.  “I am.  Thanks, sweetie.”

Chad looks over at her and his eyebrows shoot up towards his hairline.  He lets out a long wolf-whistle.  “Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.  You’re looking _hot_ , girl!”

Dani scowls down at him.  “Oh, fuck you.  I don’t give a shit what I look like right now, I just want to be comfortable.  This is my place and I’ll look like a slob in it if I want to.”  She snatches up her bottle of peach schnapps, takes a swig of it, and hugs it to her chest like it’s a security blanket.

“What the fuck?  You think I was kidding?”  Chad sounds honestly affronted.  “Cause I’ve never been more serious in my life.”  He hiccups and pouts a little as he tries to sip his vodka from his prone position without spilling it all over himself. 

Dani looks at Jensen incredulously.  “Seriously?”

Jensen nods sagely.  “Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion,” he quotes.  He screws up his face, realizing how nonsensical that was.  “Not that Jared and I are married.  Or that we’re ever going to get married, even if we could, which we can’t in this state.  I meant…you know.”  He blows out a frustrated breath.  “Whatever.  You know what I mean.  Point is - you look hot.”

Dani looks at him for a few beats like he’d been speaking Latin.  “What was I thinking?” she sighs.  “I can’t take you seriously.  You’re so drunk that you can’t even quote _Firefly_ correctly.”  She turns to Chris, hands on her hips and arches an eyebrow at him expectantly.

Chris is just staring at her wide-eyed until he realizes belatedly that she’s waiting for him to comment.  He blinks a few times.  “Yeah.  Yes, absolutely.  Nothing sexier than a girl-“  He clears his throat awkwardly and corrects himself.  “A _woman_ who looks as good natural as she does all done up.”

Danneel mouth pops open a little in quiet shock.

Jensen looks from her to Chris whose fingers are fidgeting nervously around the neck of his guitar.  He’s never seen Kane nervous like that except for that one time Dani threatened to give him a haircut.  Interesting…

“Hey Chris,” Jensen pipes up, cutting through the sudden loaded silence in the room.  “Play us something.”

“Yeah!”  Chad jumps in, pulling himself up to a sitting position on the floor.  “Come on, Rockstar.  Entertain us.”

Chris straightens a bit and adjusts his guitar on his knee.  “Okay.  Um, how about this one…”  He starts to play, a grin spreading across his face as the melody comes to life.

Jensen recognizes the song immediately.  He smiles to himself and under the warm haze of Tennessee whiskey his inhibitions are low enough that he doesn’t even hesitate to start singing along. 

_Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band_  
 _Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man_  
 _Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand_  
 _Now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand_

Dani is smiling now too and is swaying gently to the music. 

Chad sets down his glass and stumbles to his feet.  He takes her bottle from her and sets it on the coffee table before offering her his hand with an exaggerated flourish.  “May I have this dance, Princess?

Danneel giggles and rolls her eyes but slides easily into a lazy waltz with him.  Chad twirls her and dips her, surprisingly light on his feet for such a gangly guy.  Jensen and Chris watch the two of them dance as they provide the music, harmonizing together easily.  Their voices blend just like they have the few times Jensen has sung with Kane’s band on stage.

_Hold me closer tiny dancer_  
 _Count the headlights on the highway_  
 _Lay me down in sheets of linen_  
 _You had a busy day today_

Jensen loses himself a little in the song, thinking of Jared.  His smile and the way it lights up his eyes with childlike glee.  The cozy warmth of his body when they’re lying in bed together, cocooned under light blue cotton pulled up over their heads so they can shut out the rest of the world.  The contradiction of Jared’s imposing size and strength compared to how incredibly gentle and sensitive he is.  Jensen feels a rush of such intense love that it simply overwhelms him.  Close on its heels however is the clawing fear of losing it all.

“Jensen?”

Jensen blinks owlishly and looks up at Dani who is standing over his chair looking concerned.  He’d stopped singing somewhere along the way and didn’t even notice when the song ended. 

“What’s the matter, honey?  Is it, Jared?”

Jensen’s eyes dart over to Chris and then to Chad who are both watching him closely.  Jensen feels comfortable enough with Chris but he’s a little embarrassed at the idea of spilling his guts in front of Chad.

“Come on.  We’re all friends here.  Friends are supposed to be there for each other.”  Dani urges him.  “I told you about my thing.”

“What thing?” Chris asks her.

 “Nothing.  Just this guy I was seeing hooked up with someone else.  I’m fine.  I’m dealing.”  Dani waves him off, distractedly.  She zeros in on Jensen again.  “I want to help you if you wanna let me” she quotes, throwing his own words from earlier that day back at him.

Jensen sighs and gives in.  “He asked me to move in with him.”

Danneel gasps and her expression breaks into a grin.  She squeaks excitedly but then sobers immediately when Jensen doesn’t return her enthusiasm.  “I don’t get it.  Why is that a bad thing?”

“It’s not…”  Jensen grimaces at his how pathetic the whole situation is and takes another belt of liquid courage.

Dani makes a little hum of disapproval in her throat.  She takes her drink and settles on the couch with her legs stretched out across the cushions.  “Explain,” she commands.

Chad sits Indian-style on the floor and Chris puts down his guitar, giving him their full attention as well.

With all eyes on him, Jensen feels more than a little self-conscious but the whiskey is working its magic and it wins out.  The words spill out of him in an unchecked flood.  “It’s just that it’s too soon!  I’m not ready.  It’s going to screw everything up and that’s the last thing I want.  But now Jared thinks I’m having second thoughts about us or something and everything is getting screwed up anyway.”  He feels himself getting worked up now, indignation fueling his rant.  “I’m not having second thoughts!  I’m the only one who’s thinking clearly about this.  He needs to have some fucking second thoughts!  Or first thoughts.  Obviously wasn’t thinking at all when he asked me.  At least not with his upstairs brain.” Jensen rolls his eyes.  “Big moron.  Always gets so emotional whenever I bottom for him cause he knows it’s not usually my thing.  Like it’s such a fucking hardship!  No one in their right mind would turn down dick like _that_ all the time.” 

“Whoa!” Chris and Chad exclaim in unison, each of them wincing uncomfortably.

“TMI, dude,” Chad grimaces in disgust.  “I do not want that mental image.”

“I do,” Danneel says with a dreamy smile on her face.  “Pay no attention to them, Jen.  Please, continue and don’t spare me any of the details.”

Despite himself, Jensen huffs out a laugh at her.  “You’re shameless, you know that?”

“It’s one of my best qualities,” Dani agrees without missing a beat.  “But explain to me why you think you’re not ready to move in with him.  You’ve known each other forever.  You love him, obviously.  He loves you, even more obviously.  So what’s the hang-up?”

It sounds just like what Jared had argued and it makes Jensen frustrated and miserable all over again.  “We’ve known each other as _friends_ forever.  He’s still getting to know me like this, like we are now.  If we move in together then…it just changes things.”  I’ll have no place to hide, Jensen thinks to himself.  All his worst qualities and all the things he dislikes about himself most will be left exposed.  No safety net if things go wrong. 

It’s not like he’s been able to be on his best behavior around Jared all the time over the last seven or so years they’ve known each other.  Even he’s not capable of that.  But Jared doesn’t need to know that Jensen is still working on paying back his brother the small fortune it cost him for two stints in rehab.  Jared shouldn’t have to be there on his really bad days when Jensen’s feeling depressed and just wants to sleep the day away.  What would he think if he saw how much time Jensen spent obsessing about his crow’s feet, or the little give of softness around his middle where a few months ago he’d had a tight six-pack?  He didn’t want Jared to know how insecure and neurotic he really was.  Nothing sexy about that. 

Jared said that he would never get tired of him.  Well, how could he know for certain?  He didn’t know what he was really dealing with.

“Jensen, listen to me,” Danneel says, breaking him out of the unforgiving landscape of his own mind.  “You’re making a mountain out of an anthill.”

“The expression is ‘molehill’.  I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.  Which I’m not, thanks.” Jensen retorts.

Dani takes a sip of her drink and then points at him with her fingers still hooked around the bottleneck.  “I know the fucking expression.  I said anthill because this doesn’t even qualify as a molehill.”  She rolls her eyes towards the ceiling and shakes her head in disbelief.  “It’s not even an anthill.  It’s like _one ant_!”

Jensen looks to Chris for some measure of sanity.  “Can you translate that for me please?”

Chris scratches his head thoughtfully.  “I think it means that somehow you’ve got yourself convinced that Jared is going to feel differently about you if you can’t be whatever you think you need to be all the time to make him happy and keep him coming back for more.  I’m just wondering where the hell you ever got that idea from because as far as I can tell it sure ain’t from Jared.”

Danneel makes a tipsy little coo of approval and nudges his thigh with her bare foot.  “Well done, you.”

Jensen gapes at him for a few seconds in shock at how close Chris’s words hit home.  Like a reflex, his walls come up all at once and he sticks out his jaw defiantly.  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Chris picks up his bottle of tequila.  “Usually I don’t,” he concedes and tips the bottle towards Jensen in a little salute before he takes a swallow.  “Tonight, I’m feelin’…unusual.”

Suddenly, there is a honk outside and Chad pumps his fist in the air.  “That’s my ride!”  He gets to his feet and drains the last of the vodka from his class.  “See you kids tomorrow.”

Danneel makes a face at him.  “Where are you going in such a hurry?”

Chad grabs his jacket off of the row of hooks by the door and loops it over his arm.  “Not that I’m not enjoying tonight’s special episode of “ _Gays of Our Lives_ ”, but I’m not going to pass up a perfectly good booty call just because Jennyboy’s being a pussy.”  He shoots a look at Jensen.  “Sorry man, but it’s true.  Just nut up and move in with him already.  Jared wants to have your babies and shit, okay?  He’s not going to dump you if you forget to flush or something.”  He shrugs and walks out, shutting the door behind him.

For the second time in a matter of minutes Jensen finds himself speechless.

Chris looks from Jensen to Danneel in mild shock.  “I’m either drunker than I thought or just losing my mind.  Did Chad just make sense?”

“I think so.”  Dani nods solemnly.  “Whelp, that’s it then boys,” she sighs, sounding resigned.  “The Apocalypse can’t be far behind.  Drink up.”

Jensen’s had just about enough.  He’s feeling a little ganged up on, like no one really understands and they’re just making light of his misery now.  He’s not overreacting about this goddamnit.  He’s not! 

The few brain cells he has left unanimously decide that Jensen's just being a drunk asshole and stop him before he can voice his feelings on the matter out loud.  They scold him for thinking about his friends so uncharitably and they order him to get his dumbass home before he brings down everyone else’s night.  That idea seems to make the most sense at the moment so Jensen decides to go with it.

He stands up and sways a bit.  Fucking gravity.  “M’gonna go too,” he announces.

“Are you sure, sweetie?  You know you can always crash here if you want,” Danneel offers.

Chris picks up his guitar and looks like he’s about to get up and follow him.  “How are you getting home, man?  You need a cab?

Jensen grabs his jacket and struggles into it.  “Nah, I’m good.  I’m good.  I’m gonna leave my car on the street here and pick it up tomorrow morning.  I need to walk.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” Jensen assures him.  “Thanks though.  Night, guys.”

“Goodnight” they echo back as he walks out.

Fuck!  It’s much colder than he remembered it being when he drove over.  He stumbles a little down the steps but by the time he hits the sidewalk he feels a little more steady, like he’s got some momentum to keep him moving forward.  The streets are dark with just a few streetlamps and passing car lights to illuminate his path, but his feet seem to know exactly where he needs to go without his brain having to give them direction. 

Lucky thing too, because his poor brain is completely occupied between treading whiskey and running an instant replay of what his friends had been trying to tell him.  Maybe they weren’t completely wrong, Jensen thinks to himself.  Maybe he is blowing this out of proportion.  But they don’t understand how lonely it is sometimes inside his head or how fierce his instinct is to protect and defend the one thing in his life that seems to make that feeling go away. 

Jensen’s still warring with himself minutes later when the rain starts.  It’s freezing cold, stinging his skin and gradually falling harder until it’s an out and out deluge.  It seems to seep right in down to his bones, making him shiver and hunch his shoulders up around his neck.  He tugs the collar of his jacket up higher and walks faster.

He tries to jog just to get through it quicker but that soon backfires.  His stomach simply refuses to take anymore abuse than it’s already had that night.  With the addition of that extra exertion, it rebels.  Twice he has to stop to puke in someone’s bushes and after that he feels so shitty he can barely make himself walk.  Whiskey and bile burn terrible and sour in this throat.  He’s cold and sick and soaking wet.  Stubbornly, he pushes through it all and keeps walking with the single-minded determination of the spectacularly drunk.  His phone is buzzing in his pocket but he doesn’t even flinch.  The only person he wants to talk to won’t be on the other end and probably doesn’t want to talk to him right now anyway.

When he finally sees the familiar front door it takes all the energy and coordination that he has left to get him across the front yard and up the steps.  Under the shelter of the small portico it’s relatively dry which is such a relief on its own that Jensen’s knees buckle underneath him. 

He just needs a minute.  Just needs to sit down right where he is for a minute until his head stops spinning and his stomach stops rolling.  It’s not logical at all but he’s far past the capacity for logic. Turns out he was a lot more drunk than he'd realized.

Jensen plants his butt on the welcome mat and leans back against the door, arms propped up on his bent knees to provide a pillow for his forehead.  Folded in on himself like that helps to conserve the meager body heat he has at the moment.  It makes him feel a little bit warmer, enough to make his eyelids feel heavy. 

Just one more minute.  Then he’ll get up and ring the doorbell.

Hopefully Jared will let him in.


	3. Chapter 3

Jared wakes up to the sound of Sadie’s whimper.  She’s nudging her nose determinedly under his elbow trying to jostle him awake. 

“S’matter girl?” Jared mumbles against his pillow.

Sadie wedges her face up under his arm and blinks at him with her big brown eyes.  Faintly Jared can hear the sound of scratching coming from the front door.  That doesn’t make any sense.  He’d taken both dogs out right before he went to bed not a few hours ago.  They shouldn’t need to go outside so soon.  But then again he really isn’t interested in cleaning up any accidents.

“What’s your silly big brother up to?” Jared asks her. 

Sadie wriggles away from him and dances in a little circle in the bedroom doorway. 

“Okay, okay.  I’m getting up.”

He slips on his sweatpants, a hoodie, and pair of sport sandals.  Hopefully it isn’t too cold out, he thinks to himself.  Then he hears the rain pattering outside and groans inwardly.  The joys of being a dog owner.

When he and Sadie get downstairs, Harley is there clawing at the front door.  As soon as he sees Jared he starts whining agitatedly. 

“What’s the matter, big man?” Jared says.  Harley is usually the less excitable of the two.  Weird.

Jared pushes him gently out of the way and opens the door to see how bad the rain is. 

The lock disengages and suddenly the door is flying back at him, a heavy weight pushing it from the outside.  He catches it just before it hits him in the face.  Something falls through the cracked open doorway onto the tile floor with a sick thud.

Jared looks down and sees Jensen lying across the threshold like a puppet with his strings cut.  At first glance, he’s completely motionless.  The sight of him hits Jared in a tidal wave of shock and panic.

“Jen!”  Jared drops to his knees and cradles Jensen’s face in his hands.  “Jen!” 

Jensen’s like a block of ice and soaked to the bone.  It takes a second, but then Jared can hear his breath wheezing out of him and the relief is simply immense.  For a moment there Jared had thought the very worst.

Jensen’s eyelashes flutter a few times before they finally open and he looks around in a daze.  His eyes focus on Jared’s face and he smiles.  He actually smiles – like just the sight of Jared makes everything okay again. 

“Jensen?  Are you hurt?”  Jared runs his hands over Jensen’s arms and torso searching for blood or any broken bones but there’s none.

“C-c-c-cold.”  Jensen’s teeth chatter so bad that he can hardly get the word out.  The warm air from inside the house is starting to reach him and his body is reacting to it by shivering uncontrollably.

“Okay, I got you.  I got you.”  Jared pulls him the rest of the way in the door and with some difficulty manages to get his arms underneath Jensen to lift him.  He’s pretty much dead weight and Jensen’s not a little guy by any means.

They get up to Jared’s bedroom with both dogs following close behind.   Jared stands him up and Jensen leans heavily on him as Jared strips his wet clothes off.  He’s got to get Jensen warmed up.

“Jen, listen to me.  I need you to sit right here on the bed and wait for me a second while I grab some towels.”

Jensen nods and sits down, hugging his arms around himself and shivering violently.

Jared runs to the linen closet and grabs a fistful of towels.  When he picked Jensen up off the floor he couldn’t help noticing the unmistakable stink of whiskey on his clothes and on his breath.  Jared isn’t under any illusions that the drinking was as innocent as a fun night out that went too far or that it had nothing to do with their fight.  It honestly scares him a little that Jensen let himself get so self-destructive so fast.

Armed with the towels, he makes short work of drying Jensen off, rubbing vigorously to get his circulation going until Jensen’s skin is flushed pink.  “There you go.  That’s it,” he babbles, trying to comfort him.  “Gonna get you all warmed up.  You’re okay.  You’ll be okay.”  Then Jared strips off his own clothes and bundles them both into bed, piling on an extra blanket and hugging Jensen close to him, sharing his own body heat and taking comfort in just having Jensen safe in his arms.  “Better?”

Jensen is shivering so hard that it makes it hard to distinguish when he nods yes.  “S-s-sorry,” he says, his face pillowed against Jared’s chest.  “I-I’m s-s-sorry.  D-d-didn’t mean to w-wake you up.  I just.  I had to see you.”

Jared is a tangle of emotions all at once.  Angry and exasperated and simply devastated that Jensen is fucking apologizing for nearly freezing to death on his doorstep.  If Harley and Sadie hadn’t woken him up who knows how long Jensen would have been out there, passed out and exposed to the elements. 

He steels himself before he responds.  There’s no use arguing with Jensen or chewing him out when he’s like this anyway.  “It’s okay,” he says, deceptively calm.  “Just try to sleep.  It’s late and you need to rest.  We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“M’kay.”  Jensen snuffles and nuzzles his cheek against Jared’s collarbone, seemingly pacified for the moment.  He’s still cold to the touch but the shivering has subsided enough that he’s able to fall asleep.

Jared tucks the blankets tighter around them both.  He lays there wrapped up in Jensen, watching the gentle rise and fall of his ribcage with each breath.  He runs his fingers through the short damp spikes of Jensen’s hair wishing he could climb inside that thick skull and root out whatever malignancy there is there that makes someone so amazing unable to see himself as such.

~~~

The late-morning sunlight is slanting through the curtains when Jared finally sees Jensen start to stir.  He’s been up all night pacing the house, worrying and going over the things he wants to say.  Watching Jensen sigh and shift onto his stomach under the covers, Jared wants nothing more but to forget the whole thing, slip out of his boxers, and crawl back into bed with him.  Kiss him awake and make love to him just like he is - all bed-warm and sleep-rumpled.  But that’s not going to fix anything, so he stays right where he is in his chair at the foot of the bed and waits.

Jensen’s arm reaches out towards Jared’s side of the bed and finding nothing, he picks his head off the pillow and stares for a few beats at the empty space on the mattress.  He frowns at it in confusion.  His hair is all mussed up and soft, the product he uses in it washed away from last night’s rain. 

Jared’s heart clutches at little at how fucking adorable he looks but he doesn’t give in to it.  Instead he clears his throat to get Jensen’s attention.  “Over here.”

Jensen rolls over and sits up.  He rubs his eyes and smacks his lips together, his mouth a little dry and gummy from what must be a fairly epic hangover. 

“There’s a bottle of water on the nightstand and some aspirin.  I figured you might need them,” Jared offers.

Jensen reaches for the water and cracks it open, taking long gulps before swallowing both aspirin tablets down.  He takes one more sip before he leans forward to rest his forearms on his drawn up knees.  He makes eye contact with Jared finally, bloodshot and apologetic.  “I’m sorry.  Last night was pretty messed up.”

“Yeah, it was.”  Jared’s not going to sugar coat it for him.  “You were drunk out of your mind.  A lot of really bad shit could have happened to you.  You know that right?”

“I know.”  Jensen drags a hand down his face.  “I was walking home from Danneel’s and I was thinking about you and me and…I don’t know but I just had to see you and I didn’t care about anything else.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  I didn’t…I never meant for you to see me like that.”

“Jensen, I’ve seen you drunk before.  Hell, I’ve been drunk with you more times than I can count.  Last night was something else.”

Jensen’s looks down, guiltily.  “I know.”

Jared sighs.  He hates that he even has to say this but Jensen needs to hear it.  “I want you to go to a meeting.”

“What?”  Jensen’s head jerks up, taken off-guard. 

This is unfamiliar territory for them.  He knows about Jensen’s past with prescription drugs but since they’ve known each other Jensen as been clean and keeping himself in check with NA meetings when he feels like he needs it.  Alcohol has never been a real problem for him.  Jensen’s drinking was never any better or worse than any of their other friends.  This is the first time that he's really let himself get carried away with it and it’s got Jared shaken. 

“You have an addiction problem,” Jared reminds him as gently as he can.  “Just because you’re off the pills doesn’t mean that goes away.  You know that.  All the recovery literature says that at least one in four people with substance abuse in their history will pick up another addiction as a way of self-medicating.  I don’t want the booze to become the thing you fill that void with.  You’re better than that.”

Jared fully expects Jensen to dig in his heels and deny it.  To get flustered and angry with him for even suggesting it. 

Except Jensen doesn’t any of that.  He just looks miserable and ashamed.  “Sounds like you did your homework.  Let me guess, “Dating a Loser?  How to Confront Him About His Addiction in Five Easy Steps.” 

It’s not really a joke.  It’s designed to hurt, with Jensen himself as the primary target.  It twists something inside Jared painfully just the same.  “You’re not a loser.  I never said that.”

“Yeah.”  Jensen rubs the back of his neck distractedly and caps his water bottle.  “So what the hell time is it anyway?  Shouldn’t we both be at work?”  He’s clearly uncomfortable and changing the subject.  “I just need a shower and – fuck I gotta get my car from Danneel’s.  I can be ready to go in about fifteen or twenty minutes if you can give me ride over there to get it.”

“No.”  Jared isn’t letting him get out of this so easily.  “You’re hungover and you spent a good chunk of the night passed out on my welcome mat.  You really think I’m going to let you go to work right now?  I already called Misha.  He’s taking over the front desk for the day.  I told him to give Steve my clients and just reschedule any of them that want to wait for me to work on them.”  He isn’t about to leave Jensen alone when he's like this and Jared knows that he’d never be able to concentrate on his job at the moment anyway.  Besides, he owns the goddamn place and he never takes a personal day.  He figures that he’s earned at least one by now.

At his refusal, Jensen’s whole demeanor changes.  The anger that Jared had been waiting for comes out in full force.  “Dammit Jared!  You shouldn’t have done that.”  He throws back the covers and stands up.  “Where are my goddamn clothes?  I’m going to work and so are you.”

Jared just stares up at him, feigning absolute calm.  “I’d like to see you try.”

Jensen grits his teeth.  Jared can see flickers of conflict on his face.  He’s naked and pissed off and far too stubborn to just give in when he thinks he’s right.  “Give me my clothes!  I’m not going to let you disappoint our customers on account of me.”

“It’s fine.  I can handle them.  You’re not going anywhere and neither am I, so you might as well get over it.  You’ll get your clothes back when I’m good and ready.”

Jensen gapes at him incredulously.  “I can’t fucking believe this.  So what, you’re holding me hostage?”

Jared shrugs nonchalantly.  “If you want to look at it that way that’s fine.  Whatever it takes to get you to talk to me.”

Jensen sits on the edge of the bed and yanks one of the blankets over his lap to cover himself.  “That’s just rich,” he says sarcastically.  “What happened to you wanting your space, huh?  That’s what you said before you walked away from me last night, wasn’t it?  Cause I’m pretty sure that keeping me here against my will doesn’t fall into that plan.”

“No way!  You’re not turning this around on me,” Jared feels himself getting good and pissed now.  “I said that because that’s what I thought _you_ wanted.  _You’re_ the one who’s pulling away from _me_.  I’m the one who wanted you to move in with me in the first place!”

“Yeah, well I bet you’re glad now that you decided to listen to me and changed your mind about it,” Jensen throws back at him.

“I haven’t changed my mind about anything!” Jared shouts, completely exasperated.

“What?”

Jared rakes his fingers through his hair and sighs, letting his irritation go.  It’s not going to help and it’s only going to make Jensen more defensive.  This isn’t at all how he wanted this to go.  He takes a breath and tries again.

“I keep telling you that I love you,” he says evenly.  “Sometimes I think you actually believe me, which is what makes me want to keep figuring out different ways to show you that I mean it.  But now I’m starting to think that the big problem here _isn’t_ that you don’t believe me when I say it.  I think it’s that you just have a really shitty definition of what that word means.”

Jensen goes deadly quiet.  His jaw clenches with a tiny flex of muscle.  “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“There.”  Jared points at him.  “Right there.  I think that’s what hurts the most about his whole thing.  You seem to think that I don’t know you as well as you know me.  Well, I do.  I haven’t been completely oblivious all these years.”  

Jensen’s gaze drops to the carpet but he says nothing.

“Don’t know what you think you’re hiding from me by keeping me at arm’s length,” Jared continues.  “Because I’ll tell you what, it hasn’t worked at all.”

Jensen shifts uncomfortably and just scowls at him.

“I know you,” Jared insists.  “I know about your past and how much it fucking terrifies you that you’ll slip and end up in rehab again.  Which you won’t.  You _won’t_.”  He stresses that point adamantly, pausing until Jensen’s eyes flick up to his again.  “I know how lonely you’ve been even though you don’t need to be because you don’t let _anyone_ in.  I know how scared of change you are.  But you’re also scared that you’re not living your life the way you could be because of it.  So you make yourself try anyway - like how you decided to sing with Chris's band and everything you've taken on at the shop.  You’re braver than you give yourself credit for.”

Jensen looks away again, too much for him to bear.  He pulls his feet up onto the edge of the bedframe and hugs his knees to his chest, like he’s trying to curl into himself and hide from what Jared’s words are doing to him.  He looks smaller than he is and achingly vulnerable. 

It makes Jared’s throat choke up to see the strong proud man he loves looking so wrecked.  But if this is what it takes to get through to him then Jared is determined to keep going.  “Jen.”  He hears the waver in his own voice and it’s the first in a line of dominoes that he can’t stop.  “Your parents… they made you feel like you were worthless when you came out to them.  And you think that your drug problem proves them right.  Don’t you?”

Jensen lets his forehead drop to rest against his knees in defeat.  He covers his head with his hands, the only shield he has left.

Jared can’t take it anymore.  He can’t watch Jensen in pain and not reach out to console.  He gets up and sits down next to him on the edge of the bed, laying an arm around Jensen’s shoulders.  He leans his head against Jensen’s and speaks to him low and soft even though there’s no one else around to hear.  “I’m not like them, Jen,” he promises.   “I’m never going to push you away for being who you are.  I want all of you.  Unconditionally.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  _That’s_ what I mean when I say I love you.”

Jensen’s shoulders tremble.  They shake gently at first then harder and harder.  A tiny earthquake rolling through him.  All at once the dam breaks and there’s no holding it back anymore.  Jensen sobs in great hicupping gasps of air, tears streaming freely down his face and dotting the carpet below.  It’s heartrending.  All the bottled up pain and self-hatred pouring out of him completely unchecked.

Jared holds him through it, rubbing his back in slow circles and murmuring little soothing noises as his own tears start to fall in sympathy.  He can’t make it hurt any less.  The best he can do is make sure Jensen knows he’s right there with him.  No matter what.

Gradually, the sobs begin to subside.  The terrible shaking slows and Jensen takes deep calming breaths as he gets himself back under control.  Finally he picks his head up and wipes his hands down his face, sniffling a little.  His eyes are red and his cheeks are flushed and damp.  When he speaks at last, his voice is thin and wobbly.  “I’m a fucking mess aren’t I?”

Jared kisses his temple.  “Yeah.  But you’re my mess.”  He lets go of Jensen to wipe his own eyes and scoot backward up the bed.  He climbs under the covers and holds them open for Jensen to come join him.  “C’mere.”

Jensen sniffles once more and wipes his face against his forearm before he crawls over the bed and settles in with his back tucked against Jared’s chest.

Jared loops his arm around Jensen’s waist and presses a few chaste little kisses to the nape of his neck.  As he lets himself relax into his pillow, the lack of sleep finally starts to catch up with him.  He’s exhausted both emotionally and physically, but he feels like they’ve reached some kind of breakthrough.  At the very least, he put all his cards on the table and told Jensen exactly how important he is to him.

Now the rest is up to Jensen.


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen wakes up with Jared spooned around him, and two huge lumps of brown fur occupying what little space there is left at the bottom of the bed.  Harley and Sadie had apparently taken it upon themselves to climb up there while no one was awake to shoo them off.  It strikes Jensen that they probably sensed that their human was upset and it makes him smile to himself a bit at what a picture they must make right now.  Jared and all his rescued strays.

A glance at the alarm clock tells him that he’s only been out for about an hour.  Jared is snoring softly with his mouth hanging open, completely dead to the world.  Jensen guesses that he didn’t get much sleep last night, so he decides to let him rest a while longer.

He extracts himself as gingerly as he can from Jared’s gorilla arms and slides off the bed, trying to keep it from moving too much.  Jared doesn’t even flinch, but Harley and Sadie are much lighter sleepers than their master and follow after Jensen, probably hoping for food.

Jensen still doesn’t know what the hell Jared did with his clothes and he doesn’t want to wake Jared by rifling through his drawers for something to borrow so he just grabs a throw blanket off the back of the couch in the livingroom and wraps himself up in it. 

He digs a couple of treats out of the cookie jar Jared keeps for his dogs and tosses them out the sliding glass door to the backyard.  Harley and Sadie bound after them, munching happily when they find them in the damp grass.  They trot away, sniffing around the fenced off dog run where they’ve been trained to do their business and Jensen leaves them to it while he puts on a pot of coffee.  While he’s waiting for it to brew, he curls up on the couch and pulls the blanket tighter around him to keep himself warm.

He remembers the day that Jared got it.  It’s a heavy Molina Indian blanket in a black, white, and royal blue striped pattern with white fringes that he’d fallen stupidly in love with at a truck stop on the way to Corpus Christi.  They’d taken a day trip there to see Chris and Steve play at some roadhouse not long after the two guys had first been hired on to the shop.  Jensen remembers Jared spreading it out on the tailgate of his old Jeep Grand Wagoneer in the big dirt parking lot of the bar.  They’d sat there sharing a bucket of Coronas while they were waiting for The Winchesters to break down their gear, talking about the music, the constellations over their heads, and nothing much else of consequence.  Jared hadn’t known then how Jensen had been simply aching to lean over and kiss that little mole next to his nose.  But Jared had belonged to Jeff back then so Jensen had just buried his feelings down deep where they wouldn’t show.  If anyone had told him then that in a few years he’d be wearing that same blanket and nothing else after waking up in Jared’s bed, he’d have laughed and told them that they needed to get their head examined. 

He twists the fringe of the blanket in his fingers, thinking about everything that Jared had said.  It’s almost too big for him to breath around.  Hard for him to imagine anyone loving him like that.  He’s still not sure that he deserves it, but he trusts Jared enough to know that he would never say anything like that to him if it wasn’t true.  If Jared believes in them - in him - that much then maybe he needs to man up and make that leap of faith too.

When the coffee is done, he pours himself a cup and puts the machine on low heat so it will be warm when Jared wakes up.  He lets the dogs in and they immediately jump all over him to be petted.

“Okay, okay!  Jesus.  Like you haven’t seen me in ten weeks instead of ten minutes,” he scolds them, but there’s nothing but affection behind his words.  He was never much of a dog person before he’d met these two.  His parents had never allowed animals in their pristine and expensively decorated home.  Just thinking about his mother encountering Harley’s ever present drool is enough to make him chuckle to himself. 

After much patting, and petting, and scratching behind two sets of ears, he finishes off his coffee and corals them into the spare bedroom.  It’s Jared’s home studio where he transforms some of his sketches into paintings and it’s also where he keeps the dog’s beds and all their toys.  Jensen drags out of one Harley’s favorites, a stuffed mallard that squeaks, and watches him lick it’s face while Sadie tries to figure out how to steal it from him. 

He’s not actually in there very often because he considers it Jared’s personal space that’s separate from everything else.  Now that he’s there, he looks around the room and notices Jared’s got a new canvas on his easel but there’s nothing on it except for a few pencil lines that he can’t quite figure out yet.  He trusts that the finished product will be great though.  Everything that Jared does is. 

Jared’s worktable is covered with drips and spots of dried paint, pencils, charcoals, and pretty much every size and shape brush that Jensen could imagine there being.  Above the table is a shelf with a collection of picture frames.  He recognizes his own face in a few of them, one of many amidst different groupings of their crowd of friends.  He’s seen them before and the ones of Jared’s family, all happy smiling faces and arms hugged around each other’s shoulders comfortably.  Basically the exact opposite of his own. 

Then he notices another picture of himself that he hasn’t seen, but he remembers it being taken like it was yesterday.  It was the day he’d walked into the shop for his first tattoo and met Jared.  The beginning of the rest of his life.  Jared had finished up the big colorful koi fish on his calf and then asked to take a picture of it for his portfolio.  Jensen was already crushing pretty hard on him so he’d agreed.  Jared had taken a few shots of it but all the ones that Jensen had ever seen were zoomed in close to see the artwork.  This one was zoomed all the way out.  His hands were on his hips, one leg of his jeans rolled up to expose his calf, and his head was turned to glace over his shoulder at the camera with a self-conscious smile on his face.  It made no sense for Jared to have taken this strictly for professional purposes. 

A tickle of warmth started to spread in Jensen’s stomach.  Had Jared really been checking him out even back then?  Jensen can hardly argue with the evidence in front of him.  Jared had been thinking about him in that way long enough that he’d saved the picture all these years.  And just like the big romantic sap that he his, he’d gone and framed it now that they were together.

The warmth starts to build inside him, winding around his heart and flowing all the way to the top of his head until he’s grinning like an idiot.  He turns to the dogs who are both happily gnawing on opposite ends of the rather unfortunate toy duck, making it squeak pitifully.  “You guys hang out here.  Me and your dad have some things we need to discuss.”

~~~

“Jay.  Come on, time for you to get up.”

The bed dips, and Jared opens his eyes to see Jensen sitting next to him on the edge of the bed with a cup of coffee and a plate of toast with jam.  He’s wearing a towel and his hair is a mess of wet spikes like he’d just gotten out of the shower.

Jared sits up straight against his pillows and rubs his eyes.  “Breakfast in bed?”

Jensen puts the plate on Jared’s lap for him and hands him the coffee.  “I figured I owed you one.” 

Jared takes a sip and tastes his favorite peppermint mocha creamer.  “Mmm,” he hums happily after another long gulp of it.  “Doesn’t seem fair.  This is a lot better than the water and aspirin I offered you.”

Jensen gives him a rueful smile.  “You gave me what I needed.”  He nudges the plate.  “Eat up.”

Jared sets his coffee on the nightstand and starts munching on a slice of toast slathered in strawberry jam.  Sweet, buttery, crunchy goodness.  He looks at Jensen whose pale freckled skin is slightly flushed from the heat of the shower.  Jared can feel the residual warmth of it emanating off of him.  Not surprising he’d want it as hot as he could stand it after how cold he’d been last night in the rain.  “So how are you feeling?”

“I’m good.  I’m really good,” Jensen says.  “Showered.  Brushed my teeth so it doesn’t taste like something died in my mouth anymore.  I almost feel like a human being again.”

“Human is good.”  Jared crunches through his second piece of toast and sets the plate next to his coffee.  “Where are my mongrels?”

“I put them outside for a while.  Now they’re in their room molesting the duck.”  Jensen laughs.  “I think we need a bigger bed by the way.  It’s bad enough trying to share a queen-sized mattress with Jared the Cuddly Moose.  When the dogs sneak up here too it really starts to test the laws of physics.”

Just hearing Jensen laugh again makes Jared so happy that it feels like someone turned a light on inside him.  “I guess I’m overdue for an upgrade.  I swear I trained them not to do that.  They know better than to try it when I’m awake.  I tell them all the time no puppies on the bed but-“  Then something occurs to him and interrupts every other thought in his head.  “You said _we_.”

Jensen gets up and settles down again on Jared’s lap, straddling his hips.  “I’m thinking a California King.  We could probably special order something even bigger but that kind of thing gets pricey and we’d have a hell of a time finding sheets.”

Jared’s hands skim up Jensen’s thighs.  He thinks he gets what Jensen’s trying to say but he doesn’t want to get his hopes up again until he hears the words.  “Jen-“

Jensen stops his mouth with a kiss and Jared doesn’t have it in him to resist.  It’s insistent like it always is.  Jensen kisses him like he’s trying to say ‘ _see how good I am at this?  don’t you want to keep me?_ ’’.  But it’s slower this time, more confident.  There’s a tenderness underneath it hinting at a well of emotion so deep that Jared could drown in it.  He’d die a happy man. 

He’s so lost in the feel of it, the soft rhythmic slide of Jensen’s tongue and the drag of his sumptuous lips, that he barely notices that Jensen’s towel has been discarded until he hears it hit the floor.  Then Jensen is pulling away, inching backwards on his knees until his mouth is on Jared’s nipple.  Licking and sucking, tugging lightly on the pierced nub.  Jared arches against the sensation as he feels his cock go from half-hard to fully interested in wherever Jensen wants to take this.

“So sensitive,” Jensen murmurs as he switches sides, giving Jared’s other nipple the same attention.  Flicking the silver barbell playfully with the tip of his tongue.  “Love how this makes you all squirmy.”

Jared bites his lip and grabs hold of the headboard, holding on for dear life as Jensen’s mouth drives him slowly insane. 

Jensen works down the center of his torso, alternating soft wet kisses with light scrapes of his teeth.  When he gets to Jared’s navel he dips his tongue inside, sending shivers radiating up Jared’s body.

“Ah!”  Jared can’t stop himself from crying out.  “Jen, please.”  He can’t handle much more of these teasing kisses.  It’s burning him up from the inside out. 

Finally the covers are pulled aside and Jared lifts his hips so that Jensen can drag his boxer briefs down to his knees.  Jensen doesn’t seem to want to wait even long enough to get them all the way off.  He’s straddling Jared’s legs and licking broad swipes up the length of his cock before Jared can even adjust to what’s happening. 

“Oh god.”  His knuckles whiten as he grips the headboard harder.  Jared doesn’t know where to look because everything in front of him is almost too perfect to be real.  Jensen’s pornstar lips wrapped around his cock and sucking him deep.  The firm rounds of his bare ass stuck up in the air and the little dimples right at the base of his spine.  The muscles of Jensen’s back and shoulders flexing as he bobs his head and strokes the hard length of his own dick hanging between his thighs.  Jared wants to reach out and touch him but he doesn’t want to move.  With his legs trapped under Jensen and his arms stretched above his head it almost feels like he’s tied there, subject to Jensen’s mercy.  He’s loving every second of it.

The pleasure of Jensen’s tongue stroking the underside of his cock, sliding up to the sensitive flesh of his frenulum, and flicking at his slit is so good that it makes Jared’s toes curl.  He’s writhing so much that Jensen presses a forearm down against his pelvis to keep him still, which only has the effect of turning Jared on even more.  He’s nipping and licking his own lips as he watches Jensen worship his cock, feeling the pressure start to build in his balls.  He wants to come and if Jensen keeps going like he is it won’t be very much longer before he does.

Then Jensen lets his cock slip out of his mouth.  His lips are shiny with spit and rubbed lipstick red.  “Wanna fuck me, Jay?  We never did get to finish what we started yesterday.”

Jared groans out loud.  “Yes.  Fuck yes.”  He grabs the base of his dick and squeezes, stemming the tide for the moment.  “I need,” he’s panting so heavily that he has to really focus to get it out.  “Need it now.  M’so close already.”

Jensen moves up his body to straddle his hips again.  He reaches behind himself to grasp Jared’s spit-slick cock and presses the head against his hole.

“Jen, wait.”  Jared grabs for the small bottle of lube that he keeps under his pillow.  He doesn’t want to hurt Jensen by trying to do this without the right prep.

Jensen doesn’t listen though.  He pushes back against the head of Jared’s cock.

The breath is punched right out of Jared’s lungs when it slips inside with only a slight bit of resistance.  Jensen’s already worked open for him and his hole is slick with lube.

He grabs Jensen’s hips in shock, fingers pressing into the pale flesh.  “W-when?”  It’s the most intelligent response he can come up with at the moment.

Jensen grits his teeth and lowers himself slowly, taking Jared’s cock inch by inch.  It’s the best kind of torture.  They both let out a moan when Jensen finally gets impatient and pushes back hard, sheathing Jared fully inside of him.  “Shower,” he says breathlessly.  “Fingered myself open thinking about riding you just like this.”

Jared is so floored that for a moment he doesn’t know what to say.  It’s the roll of Jensen’s hips grinding into his lap that snaps him out it.  “Oh god.  Oh god.  Jen.  S-so fucking hot.  You trying to kill me or something?”

Jensen takes Jared's hands off his hips and links their fingers together, palm to palm.  He swivels and circles his hips tantalizingly slow.  “Feel good?”

“Yes!  Yes.”  Jared wriggles helplessly.  That tight wet heat sliding up and down his length at alternating angles is rubbing him along soft places inside of Jensen that he doesn’t normally hit quite this way and good doesn’t even come close to describing it.  

“Jay, look at me.”

His eyes must have either closed or rolled up in his head.  He can’t even tell anymore.  But he fixes them on Jensen’s face obediently at his command.  Jensen’s eyes are dark, thin rings of grass green around blown out pupils.  His cheeks are flushed and his lips are still puffy and obscenely red.  Jared’s never wanted to paint him more than right at that moment.

“Ask me again,” Jensen says.

It takes a second for Jared’s sluggish mind to process what he’s talking about but when he does he’s overcome with emotion.  He has to touch, to hold.  Get as many points of contact between them as he can so he knows he’s not dreaming this. Jared lets go of his hands, circling his arms around Jensen in a tight embrace and lifting him a little so he can sit up cross-legged with Jensen in his lap.  Every chakra of their bodies are aligned.  They’re chest to chest, mouths just inches away from one another, with Jared still snug inside Jensen’s body.  The intimacy of it is staggering.

Jared takes a shaky breath.  “Move in with me.  Share this with me.”

Jensen kisses him, soft and chaste.  “Yes,” he whispers.  Another light press of lips.  “Yes.”

A sob breaks out of Jared’s throat.  He crashes their mouths together, plundering deep.  His fingers grip Jensen tighter, one hand clamping down over the top of a speckled shoulder to ground him as Jared fucks up into him.  Owning him.

Jensen cries out, face screwed up tense in pleasure as Jared gradually increases the pace.  His cock is leaking wet and rubbing against Jared’s stomach as he whimpers desperate little sounds against the side of Jared’s neck.

“Ah fuck!”  Jared bares his teeth, feeling the frantic pressure of his orgasm start to build again.  He can’t stop kissing every part of Jensen that his mouth can reach.  Can’t stop the high thin moans he exhales or the babbled endearments falling from his lips.  “Love you.  Love you,” he pants.  “I love you, Jen.  So fucking much.  You’re beautiful.  Make me so happy.”  There are tears filling his eyes.  One sneaks down his cheek.  “Love you always.”

Jensen picks his head up and kisses his mouth.  He wipes Jared’s eyes as carefully as he can with the pads of his thumbs despite the steady rocking motion of their bodies.  “Love you too, baby.  For always.”

Jared kisses him back hard.  He releases Jensen’s shoulder so he can get a hand on his cock instead.  He wants to watch Jensen fall apart.  Make him come with his name on Jensen’s lips. Jared strokes down as he thrusts up, making Jensen fuck into the tight circle of his fist. 

“Yes!”  Jensen gasps, clutching his fingers into the thick hair at the base of Jared’s skull.  His forehead presses against Jared’s as he rides him, trying to match Jared’s rhythm.  “Yes.  Like that.  So good, baby.  Fucking perfect.  Make me come.  Make me come for you.”

Jared fucks him erratic and fast, corkscrewing his fist up and down his erection until Jensen comes screaming.  Jensen’s head falls back, nails digging into Jared’s back and his come painting white streaks up Jared’s stomach.  The pleasure/pain of it coupled with the constriction of Jensen’s tight inner muscles milks Jared’s orgasm right out of him.  He bites down on the base of Jensen’s neck as he comes, pulsing hot and thick inside of him. 

Jensen moans softly at the slippery slide of Jared's length pumping through his aftershocks. He kisses Jared hungrily with one hand still fisted in his hair.  They make out sloppily, uncoordinated and high on endorphins as they slowly start to wind down.

When Jared finally lets him go, Jensen lifts himself off of Jared’s spent cock and collapses onto his back on the bed, groaning slightly.  His chest is heaving, making the tattoo of the winged heart inked across it look like it’s getting ready to take flight.

“You okay?” Jared asks him. Even his own voice sounds fucked out and lethargic like his tongue is suddenly two sizes too big for his mouth.  He sinks down against the pillows to sprawl out flat.

Jensen shakes his head from side to side in a lazy sign of no.  “I think I died.”  He laughs tiredly.  “You killed me with your dick.”

Jared laughs out loud, a free and happy sound.  “That’s a shame.  I was hoping we could get cleaned up in a little bit. Take advantage of what's left of our day off and get started moving some of your stuff over here.”

Jensen turns his head to face him, his eyebrows raised in surprise.  “Really?”

Oh.  Probably should have though that one through, Jared thinks to himself.  He keeps doing that. Rushing ten steps ahead when Jensen is just catching up.  He’s really got to work on that.

"Well, I figured it was just easier if you moved in here since my place is bigger and you don’t have a yard or anything for the kids.  We’re kind of a package deal.”

Jensen smiles at him fondly.  “Yeah, I get that.  Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

If Jared had any energy left available at the moment he’d kiss him.

“What I mean is,” Jensen continues, “I have things I have to take care of.  I have to give my landlord notice.  Get boxes and pack up all my junk.  Stop the cable.  Send in a change of address form.  Yadda yadda yadda.  It’s a whole process.”

Jared grabs blindly for his hand and laces their fingers together once he finds it.  “I know.  But are there any rules or whatever of this _process _that says we can’t pack a suitcase for you so you can start living with me _now _while the rest of it works itself out?”____

Jensen huffs out a laugh and lifts their joined hands to kiss the back of Jared’s knuckles.  “Needy.”

“Damn straight,” Jared replies happily without hesitation.  “Need you right here with me.  As much Jensen as I can possibly get.  So?”

Jensen sighs, eyes traveling over Jared’s face adoringly.  He gives a tiny disbelieving shake of his head and smiles.  “So, I guess you’d better give me my clothes back so we can get over to my place and get packing.”

~fin~


End file.
